Wednesday, September 04, 2013

Post-Marriage, July 1994

After five years
of steady dating,
we became engaged
and a year after that
we were married
on the day
before Valentine’s Day, 1994.

Our marriage was weak
and hollow
and it seemed
the only things
we had in common
were buying things
and a limited history

but I forced a sickly smile
and I went through with it,

but it felt wrong
immediately.

Very soon
after we were married
it must have hit her too
because she was leaving earlier,
staying out later
and eventually,
she chose
her computer programming teacher
over me.

I left on the day
before Independence Day,

taking only
what I could pack
into the trunk
of my Honda,

and even though
I felt I lost everything,

I knew I hadn’t.

I still had
me
and whoever that was,
I was determined to
hold on to myself.

I was alone
and my face burned
with tears and humiliation,

and I did a million
self-destructive things,
spent money I didn’t have,
recklessly crashing
into others
who I treated like
fleshy furniture,

but somehow
I couldn’t
do enough
to do me in.

So,
I dressed slovenly,
on my days off
I didn't shave,
I slept in.

I hid,
became reclusive,
emerging only to venture out
to the video store
or to get more pizza.

I watched TV and ate
and let myself heal
and lapse back
into the pre-marriage slob
of who I really was,

and that felt right
immediately.

It felt good
to be reunited with
myself again.

6 comments:

  1. smiles...an honest piece...we give up much of ourselves in relationship and can sometimes for get a bit of who we really are...in the end it probably was good to meet yourself again...also it becomes a time you can remake yourself a bit too....

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    1. Yes, the summer of 94- a rough one for me and OJ.

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  2. I'm wondering what made both of these people take the leap after five years. Of course, I'm a fine one to talk. it wasn't until I was 41 and had been married for eight years that I knew what passion was. Thank you Ms. O'Sullivan!

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    Replies
    1. Hey, I was a late bloomer - I still had another dysfunctional 7 year relationship to get through before meeting my true love in 2001.

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  3. This feels so honest. Really good write, Mosk.

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    Replies
    1. Thanks, this was written long ago - before I became self-conscious as a writer.

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