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Monday, November 14, 2016

Meanwhile, In Marketing...

"Ok, I'll make this quick:
we're having trouble
marketing the product
for Thanksgiving, pre-Christmas sales.

No, forget Tom Turkey.
The vegans
ain't gonna buy that bullshit.

What?
A free-range turkey?
Who gives a shit!
The schmucks
who still
eat meat
are goddamned gluttons,
what do they care
about a turkey's welfare?

No, get off
those whole turkey theme.

What's that?
Pilgrims?
You wanna base a campaign
around killjoys
who didn't drink booze,
are you kidding?

Besides we're already
having a bitch of a time
selling that new
Pumpkin Pie Spice Ale.

Who cares
it's locally brewed?
The stuff reeks like piss
and tastes worse.

How would I know?
Hysterical.

Listen,
if we don't
find a way to move
this product by
Thanksgiving,
someone's getting
the chop.

What?
Something with
the first Thanksgiving?
With Indians?
Do you want to get
our balls sued off us?
It's Native Americans,
you idiot!

And, no,
Native Americans test badly.
Nobody wants to throw
any money their way
unless its a casino.

Wait...
maybe we're going about this
the wrong way.

What's Thanksgiving about,
at its root?

Right,
thankfulness,
gratitude.

Taking the time
to slow down and appreciate,
everything you've been
given.

We could show
lots of people,
all different demos,
telling what they're thankful for,
and what brings them all together?

Right,
the client's product!

OK, you two,
Rabinowitz and Wong,
you're in charge of this.

Remember,
keep it tasteful.
Remember that whole
gratitude angle.

Yes, by Black Friday
I want everyone talking at
their family dinners about
JackRabbit Thrustin' Vibrators!

And try to remember
we've had soft-market penetration
with the over 65 set,
so make sure
you hook them as well.

OK,
you've got your orders.

Go!"

20 comments:

  1. Mother of pearl, I laughed my booty off through this whole thing. Seriously, you SLAYED ME with this!

    Your line breaks are always so good, adding lots of extra goodies.

    "No, get off" ... Talk about foreshadowing!

    These are some of the places where I laughed the hardest:

    "The schmucks
    who still
    eat meat
    are goddamned gluttons,
    what do they care
    about a turkey's welfare?"

    "Do you want to get
    our balls sued off us?"

    "Remember that whole
    gratitude angle." ... This is priceless.

    And then you go into the vibrator section. Seriously, man. I haven't had such a good laugh in a while. So thanks; I needed that. :)

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Thanks. Laughter is the best validation. This came from all the marketing that happens for Halloween and Christmas, but they haven't really found a way to exploit thankfulness.

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    2. Ha. They'll manage it. ;)

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  2. More time for gratitude...less time for commercialism!
    Lots to think about here, Mosk.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Thanks, I agree -more time for thankfulness!

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    2. Yes, Mary. I agree

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  3. Had to laugh at the soft market penetration for the oldies. This is a hoot.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Thanks, only a little satirical.

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  4. Oh, you are NAUGHTY! My favourite is 'soft-market penetration'.

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  5. Haha! That would be a way better Thanksgiving dinner topic than, let's say... politics? Sly.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Thanks and I agree- I'd rather talk vibrators than politics at Thanksgiving, which is what the Pilgrims discussed, I believe.

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  6. Your wit is in top form with this one!

    ReplyDelete
  7. Ha.. this was hilarious... especially the "soft-market penetration" for a vibrator...

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Thanks, I tend to hear double-entendre everywhere.

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  8. We put too much "busy" in a day when we should enter peace and give thanks.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Agreed - I hope your Thanksgiving is wonderful.

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  9. ... thank you. If I need to divert the dinner conversation away from religion and politics, I now know what to do... :)

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. You're welcome. You'll just *talk* about vibrators, right?

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