Monday, November 14, 2011

“Funny What Goes Through One’s Mind” (Prompt: Deadly and dangerous poem)


On that sweaty August afternoon
after I committed adultery with
the married psychobitch,

I was driving her back
to where she left her car
and I was in
the fast lane of the freeway,
trying to get this day
over with as soon as possible.

She was still trying
to convince me to ask her
to leave her husband,
but I wasn’t giving in.

Then she did this thing
I only read about
in “Penthouse” magazine
and saw alluded to
in the movies.

Let’s just say
the others drivers
thought I was alone.

I was smug,
then aroused,
and then immediately
panicked
as I realized
the accelerator
in my Honda
was revving
but not speeding up.

I instantly broke out
in a cold sweat
and I heard her
just giggling cluelessly
as she continued
making her case.

“Kim…”

“Kim...”

Then I saw it-
her chest had knocked
the gear shift
out of drive
and into neutral.

I shifted back
and half-sighed
until I saw
the taillights of
the cars ahead
of me
getting closer
faster and faster
and piling up.

Simultaneously,
I slam on the brakes
grab her by the hair
and throw her head back
into the passenger’s seat.

She laughed
with that wicked uncontainable
cackle of the truly
insane,
barely catching her breath,

“OHHH, YES!
THAT WAS GREAT!”

and there I was
parked in the fast lane
on the freeway
drenched in sweat
and jangling from adrenaline,

and the first thing that
came to mind was

“How would I have
explained that to
Allstate?”

6 comments:

  1. hahaha! very funny! but at least you didn't have to!

    ReplyDelete
  2. At least you weren't texting-that would've been dangerous!

    ReplyDelete
  3. Thanks for looking on the bright side. Oy, dangerous, deadly and just plain stupid.

    ReplyDelete
  4. THIS is HILARIOUS! But could have been not so much! Love the "what would I have told Allstate?" Cackles.

    ReplyDelete
  5. Anonymous2:37 PM

    Hey, B. I finally found your site. Love this poem for sooo many reasons.

    Sara

    ReplyDelete
  6. @Anonymous - glad you found my site. Did you use to read me somewhere else? (Wanna buy an ebook?) see links at right :)

    ReplyDelete