Tuesday, June 18, 2013

The Wizard’s Collection

The wizard gave me
the keys to the cabinet
to retrieve a book of spells
and poetic incantations
to further impress
the wide-eyed coeds,
the ones with
smooth, unknowing skin,
gaping, glistening lips,
and snugfuzzy sweaters.

I was his henchman,

a graduate student hunchback
with raging nostrils
who did his bidding,
his dirty work,
all for a letter of reference
and the possibility
of mopping up some of his
nubile, feminine spillover,
so I could secretly
wring out the contents
into a highball glass
to savor
in moments
of lonely solitude.

Why did he trust me?
He knew I’d look
in the cabinet marked
“Unconfirmed Research Evidence.”

Unlocking the cabinet,
I saw dozens
of unlabeled
5-inch plastic
margarine tubs.

I took one,
peered in
and saw
a small thatch
of hair,
brown, curly and dry.

I opened another
which held
a flatter, straggly thicket
of lighter hair.

One after another,
I opened and found
variations on a theme:
each one a small handful
of slightly musky,
tight, pubic curls.

I realized
this wasn’t a collection
of data, but rather
his trophy collection.

I closed the cabinet,
retrieved the book
I was sent for,
and returned to the seminar,

where I looked at
the wizard
and his disciples
with completely new eyes.

[Posted for #OpenLinkNight at - where even miscreants like me can find a warm and friendly hello.]


  1. oyoyoy...what a collection...and i wonder if he sent you there on purpose...but you never know with wizards...right..?

    1. I didn't want to find out. I'm no Harry Potter and he was no Dumbledore.

  2. holy, fiction right? or a serial killer...reminds me of The Following tv show and the teacher who turned all his students into serial killers....yipes...

    1. Augmented documentary genre - gotta find that show The Following. Actually did find tubs with human hair - didn't specify which kind of human hair. It was spooky.

  3. That's one case of wizard apprentice I had not heard of.. collecting hair from his coed conquests... what did the wizard have in return... grades??

    1. Of course, grades! Tenured professors are less accountable than 1970's rock stars.

  4. This is a thoroughly WOW poem! I used to wear snugfuzzy sweaters, and revel in the effect they had on the boys! Now I go for warm comfort, and forget style.

    1. Thanks, Viv. I never had style, what being the hunchback with raging nostrils and all.

  5. He was an amateur. I keep scalps in Tupperware.

    1. For what, soup stock? Personally, I thought all those tufts of pubic hair were pretty horrifying, but I was a sheltered kid.

  6. Oy, what a pig that guy was. I know how that system works, though, and have known many women and men who willingly put themselves through it. Picking up dry cleaning for a good grade... or giving head for an A. For an a-hole, that is!!

    Taking break from unpacking boxes to sip coffee at JavaCat, my fave Madison cafe, walking distance from our new home, the "parsonage." SUCH an improvement in home, in neighborhood... and in proximity to church, which provides me with access to car.

    Anyway, back to blogging next week. Meantime, keep the faith. This poem should be read to a sociology class and debated. Ameleh

    1. Thanks, and coincidentally, this happened when I was getting my graduate degree in sociology! Thanks for the comment, my sistah! - Mosk

  7. Talk about variations on a theme--whoever thought of writing a poem about a pubic hair collection?! Very entertaining, with marvelous strong writing.

    1. Thanks,I needed to document this before I forgot it forever.

  8. Yikes! Is that really true! Very well written but quite chilling. k. --This is Karin at Manicddaily on wordpress by the way - - on a mobile device that wants to use old blogger blog. k.

    1. Thanks, Karin. Yes, this is from the dim dark past. You never know what lurks in locked cabinets.

  9. You said they were slightly long did you sniff each one?

  10. Reading the comments... this is based on reality? YIKES!

    1. Tell me about it, I still had to ask for a letter of reference.

  11. Anonymous8:20 PM

    A sorcer's apprentice, you? A Hairy Potter? A doity boid collector? This is gonna give me insomniac visions...well written, but oy vay! ~jackie~

    1. Oy vey indeed! Sorry for the insomnia. There are some sick freaks in this world, and I've met a few of them.

  12. Hmm, I had a prof who fit this suit. He wrote volumes of well-received poetry and translated from several other languages. Wore a cravat. Taught the WORST course on Ezra Pound, ever. Just horrible. But maybe that was just Pound. His lectures were gibberish, but the coeds who lit like butterflies on his every word... Yes, well, I never had to get a reference, thankfully. Oh, he also taught a course on satire that was unironically horrid, as well. Damn, now those memories are dredged up. Thanks. Thanks a lot. :) Oh, I enjoyed the write, too. ~ M

    1. Sorry to dredge up those memories, go have a drink on me . Drown those memories!

  13. I quit my English literature degree for various reasons, but part of it was the uncomfortable feeling of the place being dodgy/dirty...not one lecture by a female, despite the students being 90% female. Sociology seemed to be similar in its sleaze, luckily, I ended up finding a nice clean, professional department to thrive in...

    1. English and sociology, two subjects where empirical truths are hard to find. Glad you found a home.

  14. Trophy's huh? Hope they weren't merkins.

    1. If they were, it would make the story even freakier.

  15. Such praise - I's swoonin'!

  16. Anonymous6:59 AM

    serial seduction and his Igor accomplice. Cool Reading and written very well.