An Open Letter to My Younger Self (inspired by Shay Fireblossom)

First off,
stop worrying that
you’re too fat.
You aren’t.

Remember
that most things your parents
are going to tell you
have been rinsed in fear:
they just don’t want you
to live like they had to.

When they tell you
forget about the music,
don’t try to be a comedian,
they’re not trying
to discourage you,
they’re just scared
you’re going to be
homeless,
living in a car.

But here’s a little secret:
like so many grown-ups
in this world,
they mean well,
but they’re wrong.

I see your creative spark,
your recessive gene of madness
and no,
I don’t think
you don’t talk too much.

You crack me up.

To be who you really are,
sometimes
you’ll have to be
against the wall
and alone.

It’s perfectly fine
that you’d rather
stay inside and read
and listen to Beatles records
than go outside
and play football.

Don’t let people
who are afraid to sing
keep you from singing
and writing your song.

Don’t work too hard
to fit into this world:
be yourself
and make the world
come around to you.

It’s not always
going to be this
gray and flavorless.

Remember
those roses
Mom planted
out back?

Well,
those didn’t bloom
overnight,

and neither will

you.

Moskowitz, circa 1965

Turn the Telescope Around [based on Amy Jo Sprague’s prompt: self-contradiction]

I love the caustic fire
of the 1980’s
Dead Kennedys
and
I love the 101 Strings.

I love the explosion
Spicy Cashew Chicken
at the Best Thai Cuisine
and
I love those dusty
cellophane packaged
cinnamon buns
with the congealed white frosting
sold at anonymous roadside
gas stations.

I love how Christians
cannot convince me
that the
Eternal Conscious Torment
of Hell exists
and
I love how everyone
will come
to see Jesus as God
of their own volition,
(just don’t ask me how).

I love how atheists
require proof
and
I love that
they cannot
reduce the splendor of life
to mathematical formulae.

I love peacefulness
and
I love upsetting
complacency.

I love that
I frequently see
my deceased father
in the mirror
and
I love that his baldness gene
hasn’t kicked in yet.

I love
that I don’t
fight correction
like I used to
and
I love being
provably right
every now and then.

I love art
that comforts me
and
I love art
that outrages me.

Look at me
through the strong end
of the telescope,
and my inconsistencies
are glaring,
threatening to tear me
into two,

but turn the telescope
around,

and from a
distant,
less threatening
perspective,

and all you see
is one
self-contained
dot
with infinitesimal
self-contradictions,

that is me.

[Posted at ##OpenLinkNight at dversepoets.com - a poetry lovefest online!]

White-Feathered Pirates

Against
bruised cotton clouds,
the seagulls circled
in a pattern that
I couldn't explain
but existed,
mysterious and ominous.

If they possessed
a greater intellect
and these damned
opposable thumbs,
they might converge
upon me,
stealing my groceries
like noisy
white-feathered pirates,
pecking at my eyes
and skull
just for atavistic laughs.

“That’ll teach you
to be one of them,”
they’d mock,
meting out their rough justice,
their entertainment,
against me,
guilty of humanity.

They’d be as arbitrary
and dispassionate
as evolution,
as natural selection.

After the attack,
they’d flap away
in drunken, loopy circles,
laughing their way
to their next victim.

Thankfully,
they've only
the gift of flight
and not anything
resembling
human intelligence.

[Written for #OpenLinkNight at dversepoets.com - the swingingest place for poets on the ‘net!]

Valentine's Eve

1986: Darra

Wet Thursday morning.
My senior year of college;
we didn't use protection
so we were fixing the problem,
The nurse called for her,
I waited
pretending to study.
She returned
forcing a reassuring smile.
As she got in the car
she vomited
before we sped away.


1988: Stacia

Bright Saturday afternoon.
Tomorrow I'd be introduced
to her family
but I didn't love her
(even though I said I did
so I could sleep with her).
We met at the park
I told her there was someone else
(which there was).
Her green eyes went gray:
"then I'll just disregard that
Valentine you sent me, right?"


1994: Lan Anh

Black Sunday afternoon.
I whistled in the dark
and vowed a naive "I Do,"
unaware she was still
in love with him.
I resisted the impulse to run
as our two-tiered
wedding cake fell
during our first dance,
just before she told me
to stop kissing her
so much.

Another Day Laborer

It’s 6:15am
at the coffee kiosk
in the AM/PM 
with the other day laborers,
dirty orange shirts
and dark almond faces,
fueling up,
some with coffee
some get the
2 for $2.29 hot dogs
and slather them
with every possible condiment,
for reasons I suspect
are part culinary
and part budgetary.

They talk and laugh,
a quasi-fraternity,
in fluid Spanish to protect
their privacy,
their dignity.
I view and respect them
from a distance
because even though 
we are all Mexicans,
I don’t fit in with them.

I arrive at the college
where my title is Dean,
and sit in sterile conference rooms
among the academicians
each holding an iPad,
properly groomed
in blazers and ties,
except me in my
rolled-up shirtsleeves,
sans neckwear,
listening to
esoteric rhetoric
about pedagogy
and student access.

Around the conference table
the array of fleshtones
(mostly pink)
possessing impressive titles
(mostly ceremonial)
congratulate me
on my latest
whatever-it-is
and never suspect
that I work double time
to banish any suspicion
that I am just
a misplaced day laborer,
and I realize that
though I’ve been here
twenty years,
I still don’t fit in here either.

Returning to
my quiet office
I hunt and peck,
wrestling
with feelings of doubt
and inferiority,
trying to shape
something poetic,
redeeming,
maybe even heroic,

tap tap
tap
tap
backspace
backspace
backspace
backspace
backspace

but finally
fitting in.

[Written for #OpenLinkNight at www.dversepoets.org - a poetic oasis in the internet desert.]

Doubt Awakens

We meet in the fog,
cool and soft.

Lost in
embraces
and glances anew,

doubt awakens:

will I still be
beautiful
once the fog
lifts?

[Written for #OpenLinkNight @dversepoets.com - home for wayward internet poems. Written in the Soupy Sales Format (in 25 words or less).]

Baby, I'm a Star! (Sort of...)

Thanks to the great Kimolisa, for featuring an interview of me at her blog:

http://kimolisa.blogspot.com/2013/02/the-poets-corner-buddah-moskowitz.html

If you like my writing, then do yourself a favor and check out her website!

Thanks again, Kimolisa!

Disgrace / Grace

“Lord,
You see what
I’m going through.

The constant fighting,
the yelling,
the threats.

Such a miserable,
rotten
ingrate
this kid is.

I know because of
the Chiari malformation
and the cerebral palsy
that her brain
ain’t quite right,
but damn it,
what did I ever do
to deserve this?”

[pause]

“Of course I see.

I see that you have
many treasured
happy memories
where she is the star.

I see
you have been given
the opportunity
to receive the greatest
of all blessings:

remember when I said,
whatever you do
to the least of these,
you do to Me?

And I see
she loves you
as a true daughter does,
even though there’s not
a drop of your blood
in her.

So,
I ask you:
what did you ever do
to deserve that?”

Watching "Quadrophenia"

How I am transformed

into a Brighton Beach mod

trying to find his place?

It was before I was born

and somewhere I’d not been,

yet I know this alienation

like I know my secret dreams

to fly away.

I am not the only one;

we all feel

our collective soul spark

as the guitars collide

with drums,

soothing our ache

and confusion.

We sing it together,

a mass healing

for pernicious teenage wounds

that never completely heal:

Can you see the real me,

can you?

Can you?

I marvel as

I am taken somewhere

I’ve  never been

to know a person

I’ve never met

who is singing

pain which my soul

cannot articulate.

The scenes keep shifting

and I don’t even know

what all of it means

but that’s okay

as I don’t know what

all of me means,

and I keep

rocking back and forth,

mesmerized

closing my eyes,

feeling a Zen connection

to Pete onstage,

standing as a beacon

saying

“I climbed out with just

a guitar and pen,

how ‘bout you?”

and a wave of forgiveness

and hope

and love reigning over him

over me,

cleanses

and renews me

and all great art does this,

and I know better

than attempt to unravel it,

so

I’ll just be thankful

for my place

way in the back

in the upper balcony

watching “Quadrophenia”.

[For #OpenLinkNight at www.dversepoets.com, still high after seeing The Who in Anaheim, California last night.]

Head Down, Keep Punching

Never, never, never

title the work before

it’s done,

it’ll doom you.

I just start

wherever I am

and go

but I don’t

look at the screen.

I look at the keys

and I keep typing.

If I look up

I’ll immediately get stuck

on the errors,

and the whether

it looks like

a poem.

Sometimes it’s a rant,

or a deathbed confession,

or an impossible seduction

but I don’t think about it.

Just keep that head down

and keep punching those keys.

To the outside world

it probably looks

like I’m having

brutal and angry

computer sex,

but I don’t care.

I just keep following,

giving the ideas free rein

because I know

they’ll take me

somewhere.

If I keep my mind

and my hands busy,

then my thoughts

can get out of the way

and I can keep dancing

and singing,

looking for the spotlight,

or maybe that cliff

to fling myself from

and then marvel

as I glide down

like a beautiful flying squirrel.

Finally

when I lose my steam,

I stop,

and look up

and wonder

what the hell

I was saying.

Now,

comes the rewrite.

[Written for #MeetingTheBar for www.dversepoets.com a warm place in the cold, cold internet.]

Sweet Sixteen (for Sarah)

You’re 16 today,
and I've been here for 12 of them,
(that’s 75% -I know how
you hate anything with numbers,
thinking its math).

We share a love of language
and arcane vocabulary,
and I’m sorry I gave you
my flashpoint anger
with its unfortunate
attendant profanities.

We share a sense
of the dramatic
and an affection
for the absurd.

By question and answer
I've tried to teach you
how to think critically,
and I love it most
when you cut through
pious hypocrisy
like a buzzsaw
through a lemon meringue pie.

We both like fast food
and memorizing lines from
“The Office.”

We both soothe ourselves
with music.

The only thing we don’t share
is DNA.

Very few know you
the way I know you,
and even fewer still
have added
my last name to theirs,

which is proof to me
that at the core
of your soul,

you are sweet.

Ok,
you can roll your eyes
now.

    Sarah (at 15)

Guilty

The “ I've never had anything
near as horrible
as her rape” guilt
kept me in a
doomed relationship.

The “wanting to leave”guilt
kept me there
twice as long
as I should have.

The “I want someone else” guilt
made me secretive
and conspiratorial.

The “I’m having an affair”
guilt led me to crying jags
in my car at the far end
of the Target parking lot.

The “I can’t leave
my primary relationship,
but I also can’t commit
to my paramour and
that’s preventing her
from finding true love” guilt
helped me let her go.

The “I’m trying to be a good
repentant partner but failing
miserably at it” guilt dragged on.

The “I can’t believe I’m starting
another affair” guilt crept
into my life.

The “this new woman
deserves better than being
the other woman” guilt
jolted me into decisiveness.

The “pretending to go into
couples’ therapy as a ruse
to break up with her” guilt
played out.

The “she went through
my things and found all
the evidence of
my scarlet adultery” guilt
baptized me in shame.

The “Yes, I admit
I did you wrong
and I’m a scumbag
confession” guilt monologue
tumbled out of me.

She sent me the
“this is not personal,
but I need $1,000
for house repairs
because I didn’t have
any warning
that you were planning
on leaving me...”
guilt invoice,

which I remitted
in two payments
of $500 each,
thinking I’d be free.

12 years later,
the guilt still remains.

[Posted for #OpenLinkNight at dversepoets.com - come on along and bleed a little poetry along with us!]

God Isn't

God isn't
the steady hang of the clouds
inching across the sky

or the moment changing
from fearful to forgiven

or pink smiling lips
stealing a bit of chocolate

or the concentric rings
of a pebble splash in a pond

or the instinct that
feeds and comforts the weak

or the sacrifice of
a convicted criminal on a cross

or the mysterious melody
of the birds a capella at dawn

or a warm and soft pillow
to rest your head upon

or the sweet fragrance
of a perfectly cultivated rose.

God isn't
any one of these things,
but all these things,

et cetera,
ad infinitum,
amen.

[Written for http://dversepoets.com/2013/01/10/the-medium-is-the-message-dverse-meeting-the-bar/  and God.]

After (for Sarah)

When doctor after doctor
shrugs their white-coated
shoulders

and all they
can produce is
misdiagnosis after misdiagnosis,

and after they've prescribed
drug after drug
which don’t do anything
except make you groggy
and fat,

and all the distractions
that used to help
(like writing and music)
no longer work,
and it’s become
a mocking
frustration after frustration,

and it seems like every
hope after hope
only brings
inevitable
disappointment,

remember
there are rainbows
after every storm,
and sunrises
after every night,

and there will be
something else
after this dark period.

So, hold on, Sarah,
there will be better days
after these bitter days
have vanished.

[Posted for #OpenLinkNight at www.dversepoets.com, a poetic oasis in the arid internet wasteland.]

The Christmas Show

Roll up the tents,
shut off the lights,
The Christmas Show
has left the planet again.

Don’t worry folks,
it’ll be back next year,
unless the Birthday Boy
returns
and takes us all with Him,
or the Iranians
or the North Koreans
or the Christian dispensationalists
blow us all to smithereens
with one impulsive
fanatical, self-righteous
push of The Button.

No, Virginia,
Santa Claus ain't been seen
since his marathon night
of slipping down chimneys,
taking perfunctory bites
of homemade cookies
of varying quality,
and navigating uncooperative
union reindeer.
No wonder he goes on
a three-day drunk
and hibernates until August.

It’s just one great big
international extravaganza
with garish green and red costumes
didactic sitcom narratives,
and musical adaptations
in every genre
wafting through every open space,
and you haven’t lived
until you've heard Tiny Tim’s
version of “Silent Night.”

Even the topless bars
are strung out
with Tinsel and Holly,
appearing nightly
at 8 and 11.

From His perch in Heaven
I imagine God squinting
searching His profaned,
cigarette-butted landscape

looking for
homeless teenage mothers
and the souls
who invite them in,

and the robbed,
bloody ones
(presumably unseen)
left for dead,
and the Samaritans
who carry them to safety,

because He knows
they are there,
and we know
they are there,

they’re just hard to find
amid the hustle and bustle
of The Christmas Show.

The Endless Detective

I admire
the puzzle solvers,
for they've more stamina
for the finite
than I.

Puzzles are solvable,
but mysteries
are not.

Curiosity
fuels the search,
and many soon tire
of the journey,
the plodding dedication,
the following
of false leads
into sometimes mocking
cul-de-sacs,
but it is our duty
to persist,
undeterred.

I am
the endless detective,
and everything
is a mystery,
and each revelation
leads to an even more
compelling mystery,

and thankfully,
I've nothing but time
as I dive in
deeper and deeper
exploring
the infinite
blue abyss,

chasing truth and beauty,
hour after hour,
day after day,
lifetime after lifetime.

Overload

Walking through
the supermarket,
hidden speakers insinuate
Christmas music,
and in different parts of the store
it’s different music,
purposely disorienting,
and it seems there are
so many different types
of everything
and I can’t remember
why I came here
and did I want it
strawberry, Buffalo wing,
or teriyaki flavored,

wending through the throng,
I smell perfume,
nauseating aftershave
and the need for
smaller doses of both,
and I look to see
where I’m walking
but do not hold the gaze
a second longer
than we’ve wordlessly agreed,

my skull is stretched
as details from a news report,
simultaneously
horrific and banal,
echo like a sadistic
drum loop,

and none of these stimuli
respect the other,
as they fight for pre-eminence
it’s more than I can
stand,
so I leave without my purchases
and drive silently,
out where the roads are unpaved
and even though
being apart
from other people
usually scares me,
I don’t feel afraid
as I calmly look to the sky
searching for that star
that led them to the baby,

but I can’t find it,
so I content myself
with the quiet,
save for the wind
blowing past me
as I stand in
the silver moonlight

exhaling and emptying
my overloaded head
to my invisible lord,

until the faint thud
of hip hop kick drums
from a distant
passing car
pound a beat
that my body picks up

and
from somewhere
inside,
I hear singing
“all is calm
all is bright”.

[Posted for #OpenLinkNight at www.dversepoets.com - the best site for poets on the internet.]

Virgin, Don’t Forget Your Helmet

Choose wisely.

Your essence,
your sweet perfect vulnerability
can only be shared
for the first time
once.

The act,
powerful and primal,
bond souls
like cosmic superglue,
compelling the heart
to attempt
to fit mismatching pieces,
to re-calibrate standards,

but first loves
are rarely meant
to be last loves.

Each of us,
with eyes closed,
steps off the cliff
in faith,
never knowing
the value of
our choice
until afterwards.

As you enter
the arena of adult situations,
heartache and ecstasy,
don’t forget your helmet,
because the bonding
is so strong,
it can knock your brain
so silly,
that you can be persuaded
into mistaking
a dream
for reality.

[Written for #OpenLinkNight at www.dversepoets.com, my favorite site for poetry on the internet.]

Places Uncomfortable and Disturbing

When given long stretches

of unconsciousness,

my dreams go to places

uncomfortable

and disturbing. 

Technically

they’re probably

nightmares,

always involving

characters

on the periphery of

my life,

doing disturbing things

in squalid, macabre

circumstances,

and they look at me

like I’m supposed

to know why

they’re there,

like I’m supposed

to be

one of them.

If I have the

luxury,

I’ll lie in bed

and

interpret them:

they’re mostly

about ugly things

that

I don’t want

to think about,

things

I don’t let

my rational positivity

entertain

when conscious.

So I allow my mind

to dissolve the memory,

let the images

slip away

into my unconscious,

dreading

with the certainty

of gravity,

they’ll be back,

knowing they’re

never fully erased,

never totally forgotten.

[Posted for #OpenLinkNight at dversepoets.com, my poetic home away from home on the internet.]

Milk (Nov 30 Prompt: Milk)

The first thing
introduced to us
upon our arrival
is milk,

warm and
(in the absence
of any other flavor)
sweet.

Delivered
as the newborn
lays soft head
upon softer breast,
close-eyed
and softly suckling
in an open-mouthed kiss
attached to
a loving mother,
this becomes
our unconscious archetype
for care,
for love.

Imprinted
in our souls,
this universal
relaxant,
this calming
trusted sedative,
still works
on sleepless nights
filled with worry
and doubt

about
what happens
next.