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Tuesday, April 17, 2012

Unity 3000 (Prompt: Science Fiction)


How many times do you
wake up in the morning,
with a profound sense of
detachment,
insecurity
and ennui
that even your usual
two cups of hyperblend
can’t fix?

Ever wish you could just
get up with
a great attitude,
rested, refreshed and ready
to produce more positive output
for your corporate benefactor?

On days like this
when even your
state-prescribed antidepressants
aren’t doing the trick,
don’t you wish you had
that little something extra,
a secret weapon
to give you that little extra edge,
so you could be Top Bot
for your sector
and win that extra 15 minutes
of Virtual Physical Interaction
with the hologram of
your choice?

Well , wait no more!
New for
[INSERT HOLIDAY FIELD]  [INSERT YEAR FIELD],
the only product
you’ll ever need again,
the Unity 3000!

The Unity 3000 links
to your Personal USB Port
through an attractive dongle
(available in four different
ethnic skin tones),
to help you sleep better,
and while you’re sleeping
you’re also reprogramming
your subconscious,
so that your dreams
are more inspiring,
and your sleep
is more restful.

Let the power of
just lying there unconscious
work for you!

Choose from a variety of
Programming Attitudes:
“Go For Our Dreams!”
“That’s Not a Mountain, It’s Only a Hill!”
“Work Will Make You Free!”
“There is no I in TEAM!”

Just download the program to the dongle,
insert it in your Personal USB Port
and fall asleep!
As you doze
our patented DreamAlign process
will do the rest!

The Unity 3000
also data mines your
dream activity
for negative images
and disturbing content,
quarantining these aberrant
thoughts and feelings
until you can download
and process them properly
at your next
Mental Health Review or
Performance Evaluation.

Call now to see
if you qualify
for a free Unity 3000!

Employers,
ask about the tax credit
for providing
the Unity 3000
for your employees.

Have that peace of mind,
that contentment,
that satisfaction,
that comes from finally feeling
complete.

Just in time for
[INSERT HOLIDAY FIELD]  [INSERT YEAR FIELD],

the Unity 3000,
get yours now!

[INSERT PHONE FIELD] [INSERT WEB FIELD]!

[Posted for #OpenLinkNight at dversepoets.com - the best poetry site on the whole damned internet!]

43 comments:

  1. haha..this cracks me up buddah...and...äähhmmm....where did you say can i get this...? haha...well done sir.. sometimes a bit fresh air does it for me as well...or a glass of red wine on a sunny pavement ya know..smiles

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    1. Thanks - not sure where to get one yet. :)

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  2. haha...this just got better as it went along...the dongle in various flesh tones was a riot...state-prescribed antidepressants
    ...oy, might need to take the anti- off there if this was not a bit tongue in cheek...smiles...fun stuff...

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    1. Because four flesh tones should cover the human spectrum. Thanks.

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  3. You always, ALWAYS make me smile, my friend. I love this. I need one in April, and then a fresh one in November. And perhaps one in between, also. Buy two, get one free? Let's negotiate. ;)

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    1. Yes, for a limited time, we'll throw in a second Unity 3000, just pay separate shipping and handling. Thanks for teh kind words, de.

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  4. Wouldn't this be nice? This reminds me of the future problem solving my daughter is involved with. They can come up with some bizarre ideas. Scary, really.

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    1. I never thought there'd be such a great demand for this. Aldous Huxley was right!

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  5. Now I know how Brian Miller does it!!!

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    1. No, Brian has the Unity 2000, which had a bug in the software. His drivers are all updated now.

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  6. "just lying there unconscious" oh the irony... when the desired experience of this "gadget" is full consciousness!!! LOVE THIS MOSK!

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    1. Some of my best work is done unconsciously, thanks!

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  7. LOL Love it. I want one, when are they due out??? LOL

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    1. We're still in beta, but we're shooting for CES 2013.

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  8. Now that's my kind of power
    {lying there unconscious}!

    Brilliant and hilarious, Bud.

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    1. Thanks, if I could harness the power of my indolence, I'd light up Southern California!

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  9. Let the power of
    just lying there unconscious
    work for you!

    HAHAHahahahaha!! Brilliant!

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    1. Thanks - John Lennon would be like it: "Turn off your mind, relax and float downstream."

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  10. Just great. At least advertising will still be the same in the future.

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    1. You just gave me a great idea - product placement in the Attitude Programming! Thanks!

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  11. Good Job.
    http://leah-jamielynn.typepad.com/blog/2012/04/only-god-knows.html

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    1. Thanks, where can I send yours?

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  12. If I may be so bold...I'm wondering just what appendage represents the dongle and I'm pretty sure I can paint a picture of the usb port. It's almost as though you've found a way for us to pull our heads out of our behinds and plug in for real...but I do have a way of reading way too much into things :)

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    1. You dirty minded young lady! You need the "Wash Out Your Brain with Soap" programming! Don't act like you don't know, you're also a vice president of the company! Thanks!

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  13. You forgot to mention the price...very creative ad poem...I think it will be a hot selling item ~Ha..ha...

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    1. I think your employer might offer this for free, or subsidized. Ask HR. Thanks, I am nothing if not an entertaining huckster.

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  14. I send the blank check where? You know I'll follow you anywhere. ;) Speck-tac-ular. :)

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    1. Thank you for the kind words, but the corporate told me I was not to accept a check from you. Sorry! :)

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  15. brilliant - wit and irony to make a very pertinent comment. At least, that was the way I read it. Reminds me of the poet whose work first opened my eyes to the power and beauty of verse, Bruce Dawe. Love it. :)

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    1. Thanks so much, I need to look up Bruce Dawe. His name reminds me of Daws Butler, a classic American artist (look him up on wikipedia).

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  16. Orwell would be proud. You nailed it--and I wouldn't be at all surprised to see this on the market someday--or at least an ap for it.

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    1. Thanks for the kind comment. If Orwell saw how much privacy we willing give up, he'd never stop throwing up. I'm sure there's an app for that.

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  17. Great fun... you must have thoroughly enjoyed writing this as much as I did reading it!

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    1. Well, thanks, and yes, I'd be a stand-up comic, if I had the nerve... and the talent.

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  18. Sure, sign me up for an attractive dongle! Er, sorry, very good. You set the perfect tone. I like the bracketed 'insert holiday field', etc.

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  19. There's just something inherently dirty about the word dongle, isn't there? Thanks so much, esp for noticing my formatting notes.

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  20. Amusing, but also scared the hell outa me. Orwellian, to the say the least, but with your own original cast. Great stuff!

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    1. Thanks, Orwellian is quite the honor. I was shooting more for Billy Mays or Ron Popeil.

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  21. Choice of programs cracks me up!! But then I think, "ah, if it were only that easy!!" Enjoyed reading this very clever write, Buddah!

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    1. Thanks, and it *is* that easy.

      Just remember the wisdom from Sly and the Family Stone:

      "Stand! Don't you know that you are free?
      Well, at least in your mind if you want to be!"

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  22. lmao, mosk. the ethnically toned dongles did me in. that's some imagination you got there.

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    1. Thanks Joanna, and you don't know that half of it!

      Yes, I too was done in by an ethnically toned dongle, but I eventually divorced her.

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  23. Clever idea, Mosk. However, I think I will pass. LOL.

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