Tuesday, February 28, 2012

Transvaginal Probe

“Before proceeding,
I have to tell you that
your answers are being monitored
for quality assurance purposes,
and they can and will
be used against you
in a court of law.

You have the right to a
born-again Christian attorney.
If you cannot afford one
or scored “Less Than Competent”
on the “Morality Inventory”
you answered when you registered
one will be appointed for you
at no cost to you.

Do you understand?

Yes, I can see you’re
but before we proceed
I need you to tell me
you understand.

Very good.

Question 1:
Are you now
or have you ever been
sexually active outside
the boundary of traditional,
one man, one woman

Very good.

Question 2:
Have you ever inserted
any object into your vagina
other than a tampon
for anything other than
hygienic purposes?

I’m sorry, could you repeat that?
I couldn’t distinguish
your response
from your moan.

Very good.

Question 3:
Have you ever
used any of the following
male condom
female condom
cervical cap
contraceptive sponge
birth control pills
vaginal ring
intrauterine device
sterilization or
natural family planning
to prevent the
fertilization of
your precious irreplaceable

Could you elaborate
on your answer?

Your doctor prescribed it
to regulate your cycle?
I thought so.

Alright then,
I think we’ve everything in order.

Just take this sheet
into the green room,
change into this paper gown,
and after your procedure
the nurse will inform
you of when your results
will be uploaded
to YouTube.

Thank you.”

(Written for #OpenLinkNight)


  1. Wow, Mosk, I'm almost speechless at this one. What a great satirical take on the current political debate over health care and privacy!

  2. haha...this is really cool..almost spit my tea...and glad no one recorded my answers..ugh...

  3. ROFL this is awesome! I'm still grinning ...

  4. glad i live in this state...they have tabled it for a year of course for further study....a euphamism for 'what are you idiots doing trying to pass this in an election year.' great satire in this one...

  5. If the Republicans win the election, this will not be satire. As it is, it's hardly satire now in several states. How can it be that the same group of people who generally find full body scans at airports "too personally invasive" find no irony in supporting ultrasounds for women seeking procedures in the "privacy" of their doctors' offices?!! Gah!!!

  6. Oh my goodness. I hope I never have to go through that..LOL

  7. I enjoyed this...still laughing as I am typing this..ironies of all ironies....

    Happy day to you ~

  8. "ouch" is the only comment i have to this-- brutal commentary on an ugly situation. nice.

  9. I want to laugh and cry--it is a great piece, but highlights the cruelty of the debate currently on the table--

  10. LOL....I loved this!!!

  11. Very interesting and funny. I feel bad for the patient!

  12. Wow, excellent poetic take on this current US abortion issue. Loved the sarcastic and ironic take, as well.

  13. snort... please send this to washington...

  14. The thing with any medical procedure, including emergency ones, is the "required" litany of questions needed to be answered. You can be bleeding, doubled over in agony, and some idiot nurse will still be asking you the most mundane unrelated questions--I've seen it. And given the abortion issue always paraded out during elections, plus the HIPPA right to privacy laws, I'd say you've covered all the bases quite well with this one. Excellent write!

  15. Yikes!!!!!! Everyone's dread!

  16. The frightening future our daughters may face...well not "face" face...but you know what I mean. You should read this an post on YouTube...seriously!!!!

  17. Biting mockery of this topic and I loved it! A true violation in all aspects I love how you burned the obnoxious of it into the words. Well penned! ~ Rose

  18. Great sarcasm. I think that if this ever occurs, there'll be an insurrection like that carried out by Lysistrata.

  19. Brilliant mockery and sarcasm on a very serious and mind-blowing subject. I would only add that it would only be fair to require recipients of Viagra have a rectal ultrasound of their prostate gland. Somehow I don't think that would ever enter the political discourse.

    May I share this on FaceBook with friends? I don't do public posts.

  20. Wow.... A cool write!

  21. Ah satire on the medical debate...Women's health decisions made by our judgmental government...heaven save us from their bigotry

  22. Oh what a clever and creative satire! No, I am not sharing my answers. haha!

  23. Buddah, you are one of the few men I know who are making a big deal out of this invasion of women's bodies. Back when we used to say, "Keep the government out of my vagina," we had no idea that statement would be so accurate. So, we have to be raped by a machine before we choose abortion.

    Thank you for being a stand-up guy on this issue. Truly, it's about CHOICE. No woman skips gaily into a doctor's office preparing for an abortion. And if more men would "man up" and use condoms, that would help, too...

    The YouTube line did leave me laughing, albeit with tears in my eyes.

    Love your courage. Love you! Amy